Mom of an addict, dandelion
I am the mother of a 41 year old son who has been using one substance or another since age 14. Like many, he also suffers from depression, anxiety & a host of other psychological issues. The ups & downs never end. The loss of good jobs, trashed apartments & wrecked cars litter the landscape, but nothing hurts like the emotional pain & raw fear of loving an addict. Alanon was my salvation. Without that program I would have been locked in a padded room years ago. It takes time. Popping into an Alanon meeting now & then doesn’t cut it. I had to commit to working the program. Progress was slow for me, but I had to begin a new way of thinking. It’s still hard. My son has been drinking & drugging heavily for the past 2 years again.
Your story sounds like you are talking about my son. He turned 40 this year and he has been doing the same for about 10 years but he has never been as bad as he is now. I pray every night that I don’t get that phone call that every parent dreads .Everyone tells me I have to let him figure things out for himself but its not that easy. What worked for you?
I have read alot of these comments and want to say thank you, all sounds so much like the exact road I’m starting on…. My heart is broken and I don’t have any idea what to do6 months ago…I took my only grand daughter age 7, from my only daughter age 26 that is consumed by Meth or maybe more by now.. I had paid all her bills for the last 4 years groceries and all, and didn’t realize I was enabling the monster that took her.. At first I allowed her to come and go as she pleased to continue her relationship with her daughter…. I have required her to contact me for visits now because she started coming in at odd hours and bringing strange guys with her…. She has stopped visiting only comes around once a month for about an hour. Missed her only daughters 7th birthday after promising she would be there. My heart breaks for baby doll but I don’t know what to do for her…. She has on her own started to refer to her mommy by her real name.. I dont know if I should discourage her from doing that..?? Any advice is welcome
My daughter is 27, started using heroin what seems like forever ago. I have read some of the comments and I feel the same way when she is in jail or the hospital, she is safe. I will admit I enabled a lot for years, always hoping she would stop. When she was 25 she was admitted to the hospital, infected tricuspid valve. It was replaced but as a result she now has a pacemaker. That was 2 years ago this month. She was admitted back into the hospital this past June, as a result of her continuing to use her valve is infected again and she has Infective Endocarditis. She stayed in the hospital for almost 2 months, per the doctors “she is not a candidate for another surgery given her lifestyle.” Knowing that she isn’t a candidate for surgery at this time is overwhelming any day could be her last. Her many hospital admissions, stays in rehab, etc. have not given her motivation to change her lifestyle for good. It’s a tough journey we are on, one that I wouldn’t wish on anybody.
I am so sorry about your daughter this is such a horrendous disease that affects the addict and the family. I don’t know if we really are enabling them I hear that all the time from people that I am an enabler but if they were in our shoes they would do the same. I am hoping that things will change for your daughter my prayers are with you both. It is a tough journey and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
JMT….. Being a loving and good parent, of course we will enable. Myself, I was so ignorant about addiction when my lst child became dependent on lortabs at the age of 17. Oh now the docs and pharmas are running scared. In my parenting I did instill the facts about illegal drugs, hard into my daughter and son’s head. My daughter’s DOC ended shooting up didladid. I worked full time in the judicial field, I said to her, “I will go to NA with you.” In order to do that, and when it became my turn to talk, I would raise my hand, say my name and state “I’m an alcoholic.” My husband and I liked to go out with friends and boot scoot & boogie. I loved how beer made me feel. We stopped, however, are kids knew. Thank Our Saviour Jesus Christ neither child liked alcohol.. my son found out his sister he adored 4 1/2 yrs apart, he was too young to understand why his sis was hurting his parents. He became bitter towards her. It took me about 2yrs when I stopped enabling. It’s ca8 TOUGH LOVE ! I recalling my husband and I took her to our county sheriff’s office and turned her end on an outstanding warrant. A warrant i caused to be issued. Enough stealing my checks and forgery. I cried all the way with her sitting in the middle and her dad driving us. I could go on and on. I’m a mother that firmly believes in tuff love! I’ve a sister (we’re differ than daylight and dark) and her daughter continues using heroin. For about 10 yrs now, I’ve told her, it’s better than riding around 3 am wondering looking for a child. Not in a ditch dead but in jail. Another thing my daughter was riding in a car with her fiance and their new baby (I rarely allowed her to leave with my grandchild). One dai I did, now my daughter, her fiance and N elder woman earned their wings after an AA. Not a scratch on my 7 mo old Nicle Faith (to hold on to). She was born at 26 wks, a miracle 1 lb 15 oz baby. This was in 2008. Two yrs ago, I buried my son. The world we live in has allowed children to be born with addiction and now these kids often laugh, especially on fb, about their sorry parents. Laugh. Yes! God bless us all for strength to come together and end this repetitive lifestyle.
Oh my! How do you even go on…I read these comments with hope yet cry my heart out knowing the brutal truth of some outcomes. My daughter 19 Beautiful Girl inside and out. Boyfriend strung out junkie but she’s moved her choices down in the ranks to get to him. He dad and I have just now stopped enabling and we haven’t heard a word from her. Our hearts are ripped out and life is paralyzed. What to do
So glad to find this site with other moms of addicts. I woke up crying in the middle of the night again last night I am so heartbroken over my son. He’s 34 years old and has been on and off heroin since his early 20s. I have seen miracles again and again in his life. God has provided and rescued him when I saw no way. I just keep reminding myself that God has my son…. This is the ONLY way I make it through. I, too, find In have to distance myself to keep from enabling him.
This site does help because if you haven’t been through it you cant understand the pain. I cried myself through many nights and only have piece when he is in detox or jail. At this moment my son is in rehab again I think he bottomed out but still I am not getting my hopes up since this is the 10th rehab. All I can do is pray that he will finally change. People tell me that I should put it in Gods hands also I think after this I will have to for my sanity.
My first time on this site. I read this post of yours thank you. I’m trying to leave it in God’s hands starting to feel like my faith isn’t strong enough.
I am feeling the same way for the first time in many years I feel like I can’t do anything else to help my son I tried everything he does good for a while and then goes right back and now he’s worse then he’s ever been homeless and addicted. I am heartbroken for him
You are right..sad we have to feel relieved when iur children are in jail. I, too, have an addict daughter ..she does well then always goes back to the drug…always using an excuse to use.. I am at the point i may just have to let go instead of holding on so tight
Yes it is so sad but true its the only time we no that they are safe. How do we let go its so hard?
Today is my sons birthday, And though he’s chosen not to let us be part of his life, he still in my heart. His desire for drugs is stronger than his love for his family hurts
I am so sorry I know the feeling my son missed his grandmothers 100th BD he was always so close to her . I just got a text from him asking if I can get groceries for him and his girlfriend because they have no food. I’ve done it in the past but I cant do it again.
My son called me today and asked if I could order him and his GF food because they have nothing to eat I have done this a few times for them. I got so frustrated at him and I told him to go to a food bank in his town or to the local Church. I feel so guilty for not doing it again am I wrong? My daughter told me that I will keep enabling him if I do it.
It’s hard I know but I tell them if you have money for drugs you have money for food. And i tell them if I give you money for food and you use it for drugs and overdose then how bad would I feel so put it in their court. It’s a horrible situation to be in as a parent wanting to help them and fix them but knowing when they are on drugs nothing will fix them but treatment….you are literally spinning your wheels and wasting your time until they want the help. Just love them pray for them and tell them when they are ready for the help they really need you will be there 100%. Also teen challenge is a rehab that is 750 dollars and free after that for 18 months. They accept donations also. My son was drug free for 18 months in that program and unfortunately got out and got involved with the same friends but it was the only program that worked for him and I believe in it! They have them in many states. Try to get them there. They have a women’s and men’s teen challenge.
. My son has been in about 10 programs he does good for a while then always goes back. His girlfriend for the past year is an addict also he got so much worse since living with her. Last night I had a dream that him and his GF were sitting on a basement stairway and he looked so thin and sick. This has been going on for many years and I can’t seem to block it out of my mind it consumes my life also my son is an adult he is 36 years old. Thank you for listening and for your advice.
someone told me the difference between helping & enabling ask yourself if they can do it themselves get food yes there are churches out there if you do things for them when they can’t help themselves yes that’s helping them
I have twin sons. They are both on heroin and homeless. These drugs are a disease. I feel as though they are dying of cancer right before my eyes just withering away and yet they won’t take the chemotherapy to potentially cure them which would be rehab. It is devastating. One has been on it for 7 years and the other for almost 2. So much time spent trying to fix them. I realize now I can’t fix them I can’t keep trying to Piece their lives back together. It only takes more of mine in doing it. The book the giving tree I read to them as children so sad now as I think literally at the end there was only a stump left and that’s how I feel now. I have nothing more to give. They will be done when they are done. They would rather die doing it then live without it and I have learned to accept this. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better but I can’t. I treasure the memories I had of them before the disaster of heroin. And try to remember it is not them anymore but heroin. It’s sank it’s teeth so deep into them and they have fallen so far now that only a miracle will draw them out. But I do believe in miracles and will never stop believing or stop praying for them because as long as they are still breathing there is still hope. Never give up.
I am feeling your pain because I am suffering the same. I tried everything for over 10 years now but nothing has worked I am finally mentally and physically drained from this but worry every day of my life that I will get the phone call that we all dread I actually think sometimes that if I died tomorrow that I wouldn’t have to deal with this pain any longer but I have a daughter that is wonderful and has her life together and it wouldst be fair to her she has suffered also growing up watching her brother decline. What do we do at this point I try to block it out of my mind but it still consumes my whole being.
Prayers are with you and yours. It is so hard but somehow we find and continue to hold on to hope. It’s all we have left. Prayers.
I am going through this my son, 21 years old with everything in front of him to succeed and he always chooses the drugs. The pain is beyond any pain a parent can handle. The never knowing is today the day I get the call and I have to make funeral arrangements. Jail time, homeless and he doesn’t care . I am having a hard time walking away, I feel like I let him down I failed as mother. I know the best thing to do is walk away it breaks my heart.
There is hope like you said , if they are still breathing there is hope . thank you
my prayers are with you
Prayers are with you. I feel your pain. It is heartbreaking especially as mothers. Continue to hold onto hope.
I feel your pain. How can you help when their in denial. I try and talk and have him look in the mirror but he thinks everything is okay.. I wish the devil would go away and I get my son back
My son is 27 years old and has been an addict since he was a teenager. He has overdosed many times and been locked up too many to count. Last night I went to bed worried because I hadn’t heard from him yesterday and this morning I woke up relieved to find he is in jail again. It’s sad when a mother’s prayers are answered to find her son in jail but the alternative is so far worse
You are right..sad we have to feel relieved when iur chimdren are in jail. I, too, have an addict daughter ..she does well then always goes back to the drug…always using an excuse to use.. I am at the point i may just have to let go instead of holding on so tight
26 year old son started at 14 illeagal drugs. Back in 2007. Moved area to area no change moved from vic to qld got in with doctor hoppers the high is cheaper. Doc gave so many diffrent scripts for 2 yrs went to mental health after police triuble got off most did 7 mth rehab. Son was back started going for life etc.
Bad influence/friends returned same doc as previous put son back on the meds again (can he really do this). Now at the point trying to kick son out. Thanks doc and bad influence friends. Son is at a total loss again.
My Son is 26 years old and a addict since he was 18 . I have never give. Up . I have done it all 3 rehabs 3 months of sober living. Moved him out of the area twice. He was picked up for violation of Probation 6 months as an inmate. He became the person i felt he should be while he was in for the 6 month. He doesn’t live with us he lives with my brother not to far away but in a small appartment attached to my brothers hone . He recently was hired at a low paying job . But i am started to see a change in him again . I don’t know if it is depression or if he his doing drugs again or Drinking. He has started to be distant again and doesn’t get out much at all. I take him to and from work until he is able to pay for plates and repairs. On it. I’m a Mom i can normally see when drugs have taken over . But again he doesn’t live with me. Does anyone have a solution or advice to give me. I’m just at the end of my rope with the emotional rollercoaster ride. I keep in touch with him every day. I feel at times im just chasing my tail. I feel at times i need to brake communication at times . I don’t see the guy that was in jail for 6 months. He gets annoyed with me. Maybe it is me . I try to give him good advice and i make sure i do not tell him what to do.. I’m at a loss and I don’t know what i should and shouldn’t do. Please help with suggestions I’m open to all
I am so sorry for you and understand completely my son takes weed on a daily basis and I am not sure what else
He can’t sustain education or a job he is 21. We have just given him a month to clean up or get out
and hope we have the courage to stick to it. Has anyone on this site found tough love has worked. Jennifer
I tried tough love many time I mean for maybe 10 years and it usually worked he went into rehabs and did well but always ended up relapsing but this last time he became homeless living in abandoned buildings with his drug addict girlfriend it killed me not to give in l I sometimes ordered them food and even payed for hotel rooms for them they witnessed several friends overdose I thought that would wake them up but it hasn’t. I think now I finally became numb to it I worry every day and pray every night but I think in the back of my mind for the first time that I realize that its in Gods hands.
Diane I am so sorry you are going through this Thankyou for replying. I think I have to realise it’s in Gods hands too cause I suppose I have this idea in my head that if he’s out of the house for a month he will do anything to come home but it’s not that simple
My almost 28 year old son is using Meth and has spiraled out if control. Let a high paying job slip away firm him, has walked away from all family that loves him. I’ve done all I can to get him help, ultimately it is up to him to make the changes in his life. The addiction has taken a toll on my health, I have such anxiety now due to worry over him. I am now trying to find support for myself to help me deal with what feels like I am mourning the loss of my son. I have grieved as if he has died. My heart bleeds with pain for how my beautiful boy has decided to live his life. Thanks for listening.
I want you to know I completely understand! for you!!
I am in the same boat!!
My son is 24 years old and he has been addicted for 7 years! My heart breaks daily! Joy has been striped out of my grief for the son I miss. I did not cause this but he tells me constantly YOU ARE THE REASON I DO THIS! YOU MAKE ME WANT TO DO IT! How did I do that? I love my son to the moon and back but not this addiction! God please take the wheel and guide me!!
Amen!!! I have been waging war to save my son off and on for over 17 years along with trying to make sure he doesn’t loose parental rights of his girls and fight for us to maintain a relationship with our granddaughters. My heart is heavy and tired but I continue to rely on God and His strength.
My son is 25 and has been doing drugs over 8 years. He has be in and out of rehabs in Maryland, Florida and California. I have been there though his addiction and sometimes feel like I’m a addict as well with going though all the emotions of the addiction. I just pray that god saves my son . I am going to reach out for help , it has stripped me in so many ways that know one could understand but a love one that has or is going though it.
I too am suffering the addiction that has taken my Son. He is lost not dead. I too feel the grip on my life as if I am being taken under by this disease that I believe is caused by the drug. I gave him the same chance at a normal life that all babies get. I am now going through extortion because tough love just isn’t the answer for this kid who is a full grown male with two children of his own. I cannot give up the fight to get my life back. I pray for us all through this God awful affliction.
Thanks 4 sharing your feelings.. This addiction my son has is taking me right with him n I never touched the drug.. Just starting to reach out 4 help n guidance because I feel the end is near. Makes me so upset get sick to stomach weight loss n my god has it changed my personality. I was easy going n fun loving. Now I am very short tempered n nothing is fun no more..
I scrolled through the comments till I found your post. Looking for a grandparent who stands in the gap for her grandchildren. We too continue to rely on the Lord for our strength and endurance as the war on addiction and mental illness continues. As so many.of the other moms out there I often feel overwhelmed and helpless. My son is 32 years old. He has two children 6 and 3. His main struggle I thought was initially with alcohol. He told me he was literally drunk for 10 years. He has been in rehab 2x and detox and suicide watch I think 4x now. About a 1 1/2 years ago he quit drinking but has broken his sobriety with alcohol 2-3 times for short periods. I have learned that there were many other drugs: meth, heroin and more. He has struggled significantly with abusing prescription drugs. He is not in a current relationship with the boy’s mom. She also struggles. She is currently in rehab. They both struggle with PTSD. There has been a DHS case open now for over 2 years. Calls to DHS from family, friends, neighbors all stemming from both parents abuse of alcohol and/or prescription drugs and thoughts of suicidal ideations while the children were in their care. No incidents of physical abuse but always concerns of compromised staes of mind. The maternal grandmother has been the primary care giver and/or supervisor more often than not as my husband and I are 3 1/2 hours away. We attend all the family meetings and have an overnight with the boys 1 x a month.
My son has seen a doctor and currently is on a new regime of medications. He does go to neurofeedback and states that it is helping. But he has gone off his meds for a period of time and misses his therapy sometimes.
When he is so sober he works hard at his jobs. But he still struggles with anxiety and depression. His behaviors still
Often resemble those of an addict.
My son goes back and forth between taking responsibility for his actions and blaming everyone else for them. Especially the restrictions DHS has placed on him requiring supervised visits with his sons. Everyone else is the problem.
The badgering phone calls, texts, yelling and threats of suicide and disowning me and his sister as well as vowing to make certain that I never see his children again. People put up boundries not willing to be yelled at or manipulated. That is not accepted from him well.
The attacks are usually followed by words of I’m sorry.
We have supported him financially, emotionally and supervising visits. Yet I feel especially attacked for being a bad and hypocritical mother saying I should be more empathetic to his struggles with mental illness because I have struggled with anxiety and depression in the past. I take medication and am thankful that it is effective for both conditions. When I am honest with DHS about concerns the onslaught from my son is relentless. I have blocked his number on my phone. We have loved him but have also for sure enabled him time and time again.
All of this has taken it’s toll on our marriage and family. There are disagreements on how to handle everything. It has been more than stressful! We have all received counseling.
We lost our 8 1/2 year old grandson last year in a tragic parade accident. Our daughter was hit by a drunk driver 7 months ago. Her life was spared, Praise God! We are all too familiar with the knowledge that life is too short and priceless. God continues to demonstrate His comfort and love for us and we are thankful for that.
My mother has dementia and the disease is progressing. I often feel sandwiched in between her and my sons demands and blaming.
I think I am finally ready to accept that I cannot love my son through through the consequences of his actions. I am working on letting go of that it is my responsibility to ensure that his kids get to maintain a relationship with their father.
I want to remain consistent in keeping my boundries in place while continuing to love and pray for him.
Thanks for reading and giving me a place to express myself. My prayers will continue for the families who have lost their loved ones and those who continue to fight for them.
Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *
Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.